Don’t Let Revenge Porn Derail Your Career

When a former sexual partner threatens to leak your nudes, all you can do is try to control the narrative

When the now-former Congresswoman Katie Hill became the victim of revenge porn earlier this year, the news felt deeply, troublingly familiar. The whole scandal — Hill resigned from Congress after a conservative website published nude photos of her — echoed another one from not that long ago: In 2014, private photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Kirsten Dunst, and a host of other celebrities were published online without their consent.

While the culprits behind that crime were prosecuted, one of the hackers received only received 8 months in jail. Meanwhile, as was the case with Hill, the women who suffered the privacy violations saw their livelihood impacted as a result — one Nickelodeon star lost her show.

Every couple of years, it seems, we’re hearing a new round of stories about the downfall of a woman’s career, accompanied by the inevitable tsk-tsking from the morality police.

And this isn’t just an issue for the famous and powerful. In this day and age, it’s safe to assume that many people under the age of 40 have sent a racy selfie or two.

So let’s assume that many of us have compromising private photographs floating around in the ether. So what do you do if you’re worried about nude or lingerie-clad photos out there in the world, stored someplace beyond your control? What kind of actions should you take if you’re worried about the photos potentially coming back to haunt you?

Connect with an ex (or whoever has the photos)

In the quest to find out how to manage a potential revenge-porn situation, I reached out to several career experts — and, to my surprise, was met with a lot of resistance.

Many experts did not want to go on record to offer advice. It seems telling that people are still so loathe to talk about this topic. And it makes sense that women caught in these snares may feel shame or guilt, despite being the victims and not the culprits.

To get ahead of a potentially bad situation, though, you’re going to need to push past those feelings and remember: You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Absorb this as much as you can, and keep it top of mind as you reach out to whoever has the photos.

“If at all possible, try to negotiate a return of the files,” said Mindy Gulati, an attorney and diversity and inclusion consultant. See if you can talk your ex into deleting digital images or giving back any hard copies.

Of course, you’ll need to trust they’re actually going to do this. If not, Gulati says, you may want to get some professional help: “There are incidents where lawyers have been involved in seeking possession of photos, and through certain means of negotiation, this can be handled privately.”

Neutralize the threat

Unfortunately, there’s always the very real possibility that whoever has the photos isn’t interested in doing you any favors, notes Jane Turkewitz, the founder of the executive-search firm HiTouch Executive Search. “If you truly believe that your former lover is going to [release compromising photographs],” she says, “the reason that person is doing that is truly to hurt you.”

If that’s the case, she says, your best bet is to communicate as clearly as possible that releasing your private photos won’t have the impact they’re looking for. “Let it be known, ‘That threat doesn’t exist for me. You can’t threaten me with that because I don’t care,’” she says. If they threaten to send the images to your workplace directly, address that head-on: “‘It’s not going to affect me in the office and my boss isn’t going to care. And I’m going to tell my boss that you’re going to send it to my boss.’” The goal is to take the power back from the person trying to derail your career, and call their bluff. With any luck, you’ll scare them off from sending or posting anything.

Be direct and proactive

Of course, that might not work. If the photos do get out, you need to manage the situation.

It’s going to be super awkward, but the best way to face this is with honesty and tact.

“I would talk to my boss and I would say, ‘I have a personal situation that I need to talk to you about, that is unfortunately going to enter my professional world,’” Turkewitz suggests.

Explain the situation calmly, she says, and then emphasize that this has nothing to do with your performance at work with a line like, ‘ “I hope it does not change your opinion of me or the value that I give to this company.”

“If you have a good relationship with your employer and you truly believe the photos will be sent, an option is to tell your employer and be open about it,” Gulati agrees, pointing to a lawyer colleague of hers who faced a similar situation years ago. “The attorney made management aware and steps were taken to keep her safe. The photos were ultimately sent by her ex but her career and reputation did not suffer due to these pre-emptive conversations.”

But, she adds, this path doesn’t work for everyone.

Figure out your legal options

Legal recourse varies. You may be able to seek a restraining order to prevent the photos from being released, explains attorney Valerie H. Tocci, who specializes in family law.

“You can make the argument that you’re being harassed and ask for an order of protection in family court,” she says. “And you can argue that the contacting of the third party with material that is defamatory is a violation of the order of protection.”

Looking ahead

It’s difficult to say what the future holds, with our views on sex and nudity evolving so rapidly. Would an of-age Nickelodeon star lose her show in 2019 for sending bikini pics to her boyfriend? That happened just five years ago, but it already seems a touch archaic.

Tocci is optimistic. “I feel like five years from now,” she says, attitudes might be more along the lines of, “So what if I’m naked on the internet? That’s my personal choice.’”

Experts in the career and legal space seem to agree that as long as smartphones are omnipresent and exes are vindictive, so-called revenge porn isn’t going anywhere. But with any luck, it might stop being such a big deal.